More from my time at the Farm…
Some from the first year, some from the second… all kinda jumbled – like my feelings.

This is going to be a long one. It’s time to close this chapter.

My years on the Farm was the catalyst to getting my mental health in check.
I was having regular panic attacks.
I weighed about 75 lbs.
I cried a lot.
Dissociating was my bff.
My perfectionism and low self worth were at an all time high (and that’s saying something).

Looking back now, I’m proud of the last 4 years. But at the time… woof.

Ahhh Brian… you remember him, I introduced you in the last farm post.
He was one of my biggest cheerleaders while I was there.

I have lived so many places and met so many people.
My shrunken, usually overwhelmed frontal lobe has a hard time spreading the friendship love around. I used to get down on myself for not staying in contact with all the awesomeness that has come my way over my lifetime, but I learned to give myself some grace.

Living in a guilt/shame spiral will turn your nervous system into soup, and not good soup: a soup with rice.

Friends for a reason.
Friends for a season.
Friends for life.

I have so many people that fall into all those categories.
People I’d still go out of my way to give a giant hug to.

My second intern, Mal, whom you will meet in a second (the one who eventually took over my job) never experienced a lobster boil. Brian fixed that within the first week of her arrival. Because he’s that guy.

So very Maine.

(Only now, three years later, can I look at this and see anything other than utter failure.)
I loved this job so much, until I realized it was going to kill me in very short order. Turns out you can be gifted at growing vegetables, but totally unsuited for every other aspect of farm management.

I had to do this job, because it was my dream, and I was going to chase it forever. The universe handed me this to get it out of my system, so I could see first-hand that farming was not my path.
I see that now.
At the time, it completely shattered my spirit… into a thousand little cucumber beetles.

Every time it rained the whole farm turned into a swamp. Surprise!
Mother Nature is my girl, but she is a terrible boss.

First time growing in a high tunnel.
If we wouldn’t have had this, the whole second year would have been a complete wash.
Non-stop rain and wildly erratic temperatures THE. ENTIRE. SUMMER.

Perfectionists should not be farmers. Trust me on this.

Pretty glad I hadn’t completely given up drinking at that time.

I made maple syrup.
It’s certainly not as fun as it sounds.
It should retail for seven hundred dollars an ounce.

All this…

Made this…

However, without a doubt the best maple syrup I have ever tasted.

Seed starting makes my heart sing… Its still my favorite part of growing.

So
Many
Slivers

Why don’t I wear gloves you ask…. It comes from the same place that tells me I don’t need potholders.

This is broccoli rabe, but with cauliflower.
An utter delight.

Is that not the most beautiful bulb of garlic…?

Mushroom walks in the surrounding woods…

They loved all the outside time, but holy SHIT the ticks!
Absolutely mind boggling as to how many I picked off/out of me, and them.
Gross.

Sungold cherry tomatoes are the best cherry tomato.
Hands down.
Just so you know.

He continues to love me in spite of it all.
The illusion of me and the reality of me are, mmm….not the same.
We will leave it at that.

Best part was growing veg I wouldn’t normally grow… like fennel.
It’s beautiful, and fun to grow.
I just don’t like the flavor so I never grew it.

This is Mal… Absolute heart of gold. I miss her terrible.

Blueberry picking.
Also very Maine.

Yoga in the barn…

Meg on one of her weekly meal supply runs.

So ya, that’s the Farm.
And now I can be done with that part of my hard drive as well. It’s full of folders named “chaos” and “mess”.
Incredibly fitting.

Huge Cleansing Breath.

I’m ready for summer. I’m typing this while still wearing my coat from this morning’s walk.
I just can’t seem to be warm unless I’m under blankets, and taking off a perfectly good layer seems like madness.
Winter can go now.

It’s World Napping Day, today.
In case you need a reason.

Until next time, Loves…

Maine is having winter… I love seasons, but in most of the places I’ve lived, winter gets old very quickly.
I started this on one snow day, and now here I am trying to finish on another snow day.

I turned 47 at the end of January. I’m still trying to get to that sweet spot where I’m happy to be alive, and also over the feeling my body is completely falling apart.
I was an epic moron in my teens and twenty’s. I drank, I smoked, I did drugs. I was all-in for whatever came my way.
My good decisions were accidents.
I oscillate between being grateful for my path, and wholly disappointed and horrified with it.
“You deserve this, you did it to yourself…”
What a shit show.
Gross… a pity post.

Enough of that!
So, I don’t feel guilty about being a big, fat wet blanket, here are 47 things I’m grateful for…
-My (semi) warm apartment with big windows where I can lay and watch the snow come down.
-My dog who adores the winter, and snow.
-I have a job I’m excited to go to, and takes me less than five minutes to get to by foot.
-My ENTIRE clientele is lovely.
-I walk everyday.
-I have lived in some very cool places and met some very cool people.
-I get to travel home every year to see my Montana family.
-Canada is less than 6 hours by car.
-My husband is still one of my best friends.
-Grocery shopping.
-Holy shit 47 is a lot.
-All the people I consider friends.
-Carbonated water.
-Christmas lights
-Friday nights with the Ducketts
-I adore my siblings.
-Paint sample cards
-Apple picking
-Carrots right out of the dirt.
-Nature
-Crafting.
-Feeling inspired, when it actually happens.
-Lemon Bars.
-I can still touch my toes.
-Homemade sourdough bread, that I am so close to perfecting.
-Key Lime Pie
-Symmetry.
-Thrift stores.
-Beautiful light.
-Overalls.
-Car rides to nowhere in particular.
-Tea.
-Knowing how to take the picture I see in my mind.
-Boundaries.
-16 years with Wynn. (Although no amount of time was ever going to be enough with her.)
-Scarves.
-The ability to change.
-Open-mindedness.
-Cheese.
-Living within minutes of the ocean.
-I possess skills that make me desirable in the apocalypse.
-I now communicate my feelings even if it makes me feel uncomfortable.
-Drag Queens.
-I still see glimmers of hope everywhere, even when I feel hopeless.
-I get to wear whatever I want to work.
-Meaningful conversations.
-Lamps.
-Having a place to share my thoughts and photographs.


A few oldies from Christmas…
For the last two years we have spent Christmas with Andee and Rudy down in Northern Mass. It’s a relatively short trip that we can schedule around traffic. We cook very good food while watching a pre-determined selection of Christmas movies.
Simple and laid back is generally all I want for Christmas.

I do love games. Visiting while having something to do with my hands…

Ramen and Christmas lights.

I’ll be back in a minute. I want to do a quick post with some summery stuff.
I need summery stuff.

Photographing certain items is my way of saying hello to friends and family. Just to shed light on why there is certain items on repeat.

Flamingos for King

Mushrooms (usually toadstools) and owls for Alanna.

“Noel” signs for “Leon”.

Flowers for my mom. Daisy’s for my middle sister.

Giant, creepy hand sculptures for everyone.

This is the best Jersey diner in New Jersey. According to myself.
I’m sure everyone in NJ has a very loud opinion on this subject.

We eat there on the way back out of town every time we go visit James’ family.

I’ve posted pictures in the past of the botanical gardens up in Boothbay, this is them at holiday time…
They do a whole thing.

I never get tired of this effect.
Christmas meets Star Trek.

I call this one ” Max and Friend at Warp”.

Pre-Christmas, Christmas dinner with the crew.

We got to eat at the grown up table.

Simple explanation to this amount of Christmas: Elisabeth is Jewish.

We made it on the paper chain!

Happy day after, the day after Christmas, Loves! It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
See you in the New Year…

I have been on a declutter/efficiency journey for several years now.
Clutter is chaos, chaos is overwhelm, overwhelm is inefficient.
I find myself on a constant quest to eliminate “stuff” from my life.
Unimportant. Stagnated. Redundant. It’s all gotta go.

I’m never disappointed in a day of scrounging around thrift stores. It’s like the universe wants you to do it, so it rewards you with treasures – like this skirt.
It is so beautifully made – it gives me an excuse to wear a petticoat.
AND it has pockets!
And not just any pockets, ones that are obviously designed by someone who also loves pockets.
They are too well thought through to be random.

We went on an adventure…

I dig being this close to Canada.
Quebec City feels like you should have needed to get on a plane to be there.

Missing you…

Snails.

You always knew you were close to one of these shops.
Popcorn smell travels.
It’s like the official smell of QC.

I’m happy you were born!

Fall trip to the botanical gardens.

I learned that there are evergreens that are not ever – green.
This is a larch. Its needles turn this color and shed like a deciduous tree in the fall.

This is Chrystina, one of the cooler people in Maine.

I hope you all have a lovely Thanksgiving…
I am thankful for you.

From way back in 2021. Forever ago.
We still lived in downtown Portland.
I do not long for those days.

I did however love that stove. Tiny and efficient.

I prefer my cannoli plain, but I would certainly never turn one down.

Blueberry cheesecake for me, Coffee for him. Predictable.

I remember this…
It was full blown pandemic. We used to get in the car and just drive for hours.
We found a country cafe that had opened a few tables outside.
Last minute jam session with the locals. Simple and memorable.

Food cooked by someone else, that isn’t takeout, is one of my favorite things.
I like going out to eat, I rarely want takeout – food gets weird in containers.

Slab, home of the very best meatball sub in history.
But, they are now closed.

Happy Sunday Funday, Loves…

I have rewritten the first paragraph 30 times. I feel out of breath.

I have all the thoughts wriggling around and I can’t seem to get them out into coherent sentences.
Like a stuck sneeze.

Let’s instead focus on my 50 year old Mr.

His ideal birth-day, which was not all that dissimilar to his regular days off.

Coffee on the beach with the Goof.

Rover Bagel for breakfast.

Sushi with friends for dinner.

I think it’s a beautiful thing to get to a point in life, that you get to do exactly what you want on your birthday.

And a party on the weekend.

Apple picking (and preserving) in the northeast is sacred.

We have it down to a science.

Start with breakfast. You will regret stuffing yourself with apples.

(Country fried steak is surprisingly hard to find on the east coast.)

Wear proper picking attire.

These were my dads overalls, now they are mine.
Out of countless pairs, these are my favorite.

Husband to carry.
Remember to balance your load.

Spend a stupid amount of money on apples that you pick yourself.

Most important – go to an orchard that makes apple cider donuts.
Donuts right out of the fryer are superior.

He loves his soft pretzels.

11 11

We beach a lot…

Off to Montana…

I believe I’ve talked before about my journey to discover, or simply define what “home” is to me.
It’s evolved. At this point is all over the map (literally and figuratively).
I always go through this when I travel back to Montana. I makes me feel all the emotions.

How I feel today: Home is the people you love, and/or places you feel safe. 
Wherever.

I have a checklist while I’m back.

Dinner with my brother is very close to the top. Even though there is 12 years between us, we click. He is home.

A super artsy image of his headlights…

This is a a picture of my best friend and I back in what I’m assuuummminggg is like 1993/94 – it’s easily 30 years old. We still to this day prefer being together somewhere up in the mountains, driving around on a back road. 

Montana on a whole is no longer “home” but man, the mountains sure are.
And she defiantly is.

Newest members of our brood. Henry and William

My sister is digging being a grandma. (So weird to say that.)

Other sister with other baby.

The older I get, the more I appreciate having siblings I like.

Great Grandma…

My oldest niece Casey Jane, now has three babies.
I remember her when she was this tiny

Edward…

For the last several years, my trip back has revolved around senior pictures for one of my nieces or nephews.

This was my last, Emma is the youngest grandchild.

As long as who you’re photographing stays looking great, it simply doesn’t matter if you end up in the swamp.

Sam. My parents favorite child.

Montana trip from a few years back…

That time it was for Emily…

See.
It’s what we do.

Today is Election Day!
And so you should.

My reason for voting?
Privilege.
I think about all the people elsewhere in the world, traveling for days, on foot, risking their lives, just to vote.
I vote for them.

Whatever your reason…

You know when a pendulum swings all the way out and hits that pause right before it swings back the other way? To me, that’s early August to mid/late September. The Pause.
Fair Season.
Warm days. Cool nights.

Something I’m really trying to work on right now is staying present. Stop wishing away this time in favor of a future time. (Which I will in turn wish away to the next time.)
Naturally I’d be wishing for fall at this time. Deep Fall. Halloween Fall.
So! I’m appreciating sweaters in the morning, tank tops in the afternoon.

For now, have some early Summer.

My parents came to Maine in June, It made my heart so happy to have them here.
I lost all the pictures off my phone from when they were here, luckily James had a couple…

I think our favorite part was the botanical gardens up in Booth Bay.
I highly recommend if you are in the area…

You can’t come to Maine and not go look at a lighthouse.

Random backyard photo shoot…

Costco.
One of my favorite places.
Grocery shopping makes me so happy.

My good friend, Elisabeth (yes, with an “s”) has the best crab apple tree in her yard. We picked them all last week and made apple butter.
I have not tried it yet. Today hopefully.

(I’ve since tried it, and it’s fantastic! Tastes nothing like traditional apple butter.)

We live in an old mill town on the Saco River, in Southern Maine. (For those of you who are getting caught up.)
That means very cool areas right outside our door to walk Max.

Dream Spot.

This is my salon, also in the same area. I’ll post more on that later.

Cabaret fundraiser for a friend.

Monthly Full Moon Women’s Circle.
Self care for your soul.

We go to the beach several times a week.
Soon to be more! Labor Day marks the end to “dog hours” on a lot of beaches.
Now they can be off leash all day, any day. Makes my insides sparkle. Max’s too.

Our guilty pleasure.

Libraries are one of my happy places.
My mom was a librarian, it makes sense.

My friend’s sister came to town with her band.
Backyard concerts are my favorite.

I’m off to Montana tomorrow to photograph number 13’s (Emma Elizabeth) senior portraits.
I’m excited for an entire week of friend/family love.

Thursday is Chocolate Milkshake Day, I just so happen to be spending the day with the number one fan of chocolate milkshakes. And so we shall…

Until next time, Loves…

At the moment he’s wearing his birthday suit, sitting in his new birthday sauna, while his birthday apple galette bakes in the oven.
Pretty OK day so far…

I asked him what he learned in his first fifty years….
“Not nearly enough.”

Here’s to the next 50! Hopefully getting smarter.

Baby Max.

Weekend we met in person…

Finding a Dunks on the West Coast for National Doughnut Day.

His “majestic” stage of growth.

First Day of Acupuncture School…

This is a post that I published a very long time ago, and somehow managed to erase all the text and unpublish it. So it has been sitting in my drafts since 2016. I always meant to come back and add my thoughts back in. But, I didn’t. Looking back through it now makes my heart hurt. Two main things I am still, and will always be grieving for. I’ll talk more on that when I can.

Enjoy the pictures, they are the best part anyway.

“Someday I want a big ol’ overwhelming garden!”

This is the beginning of that someday.

When I got hired on to manage the farm portion of Caswell Farm (2022 season) this is what I started with, and I couldn’t have been happier. This was my dream.

When they dug the posts for the high tunnel they destroyed all pre-existing growing space.
So, I started from scratch with some hand tools, and that weird thing inside ADHD people that makes them think they can do anything if they work hard enough at it.

I moved so much earth that spring.
Wet soil, is heavy soil.

The ground there defiantly leans toward the clay side, so messing with it when it hasn’t dried out properly is asking for trouble down the line, but sometimes you don’t have time to wait…

And that right there feels like an accurate summary of my two years on The Farm.

I was stressed AF the entire time. But, I grew some beautiful vegetables.

This is Brian.
The on-site caterer. He prepares the food for the weddings that happen out there in the summer.

He is a good egg.

This is Al.
Also a quality human.
And, World class hugger.

And his Reggie.

Bees…

The catalpa tree is one of my favorite things on the property.
It blooms a bit before the Fourth of July every year. It was cool to see how the weather affected the bloom time from year to year.

My Girl…

I’m not ready for that conversation yet.

My very first turning tomato of the season. It’s an exciting moment.

A start…

Until next time, Loves.
I’m off to Costco.